Getting Old (变老biàn lǎo) by Nan Qu

Are you afraid of getting old?

I am not talking about the process of accumulating age (年龄nián líng). I am talking about actually being at an advanced age (高龄gāo líng). Also not about the good years when retirement (退休tuì xiū) starts, and you have money, health, and time. I am talking about a later stage (阶段jīe duàn) when you stop imagining (想象xiǎng xiàng) a new scenario for your future (未来wèi lái), other than the ending (结局jíe jú). 

I have a grandma in her late 80s (八十多岁bā shí duō suì) under my parents’ care (照顾zhào gù) and an elderly neighbor who lives alone (独居dú jū). Whenever I ask them how their life goes, “Day by day (一天天地yì tiān tiān di).” They would say. Similarly, they liked to talk about the hardships they overcame in their youth (年轻nián qīng). To a degree, it sounded like they wanted to convince themselves that they had given this life a fair try (尝试cháng shì), while they had the chance (机会jī huì).  

What did they mean by day by day, a phrase commonly mentioned during challenging times? Or was it to be taken literally? After all, it is only logical not to conjure up big plans for oneself in the final stretch. Life by then will be more about minor problems (问题wèn tí) and inconveniences (不便bú biàn), and you tackle them as they arise. However, for me, a large part of life’s wonder is anticipating (期待qī dài) the next big thing. When and how will the anticipation stop for me? I am curious.

I remember being a young teen (青少年qīng shào nián) and marveling at how grown-up (长大的zhǎng dà de) the high schoolers looked. I waited for that level of maturity (成熟chéng shú) to kick in, only to find myself at thirty-four and still hoping. Many things happened, and came along a train of emotions (情感qíng gǎn), feeling excited (兴奋xīng fèn) of approval (认同rèn tóng), anxious (焦虑jiāo lǜ) for falling behind (落后luò hòu), lost (迷失mí shī) about what I wanted. Now single (单身dān shēn) and in my 30s, a status the 20-year-old me feared (恐惧 kǒng jù) for, I feel empowered (自信zì xìn) and at peace (平和píng hé), a life development I did not plan but pleasantly accepted. Maybe that’s how it will go. One day you just find yourself saying “meh” to the future. “Day by day” will be the expression of an untamed (潇洒xiāo sǎ) soul stuck in pre-teen, rather than someone struggling (挣扎zhēng zhá) with aging.

Just make sure you have enough stories of perseverance by then. So you don’t have to repeat the same ones to your granddaughter or downstairs neighbor, again and again and again.